Fielding Personal Questions in Public Places

An Open Letter to The Friendly Stranger

Dear Friendly Stranger,

I just wanted to drop you a note to remark on our wonderful encounter over the weekend.

I must apologize for my extreme rudeness. Had I not been in such a rush, I would have taken the time to answer your questions about my sex life, my disability, how I go to the bathroom and the countless others that you shouted at me in slow motion while I was shopping.

Your shocked awe at my presence was a wonder to behold and I sincerely thank you for being so proud of me for being in public. I also enjoyed the attention of all the other shoppers who stopped to look after you loudly pointed out to your children that I didn’t have any legs. Had you not done that, I most likely wouldn’t have even been noticed by anyone. The crowd that gathered to look at my legs and blocked my path gave me a pleasant opportunity to rest.

I know, it’s hard to believe that I can do anything at all considering my lack of legs - something that you pointed out both verbally and physically five or six times. Although I ignored your questions, please know I did hear you as my amputations have not affected my hearing. Thank you so much for speaking as loudly as you did. It wasn’t necessary however to speak as slowly as you did.

It was so nice of your children to climb onto my lap. That final touch, when your wife patted me on the head and ruffled my hair - well, you can just imagine how “special” I felt.

Again, I apologize for not answering you on the spot. It was unforgivably rude of me considering you took the time to crouch down and smile so sweetly at me. The baby voice was an especially nice touch.

But to answer your questions: yes, even with this wheelchair and all, I can have sex. I can also count small change, pet puppies and generally muddle my way through life. Yes I can use the bathroom, I can read and I in fact, drove myself to the store. No, I don’t know the food bank hours; I don’t live in a hospital; I don’t know Lennie down the street who “gimps around town” and pardon me, but I do not care at all about the time you fell out of the hayloft and had to ride in the wheelbarrow for a week.

I do have a job (unlike yourself, but good luck with that) – and thank you for the tips on how to get soda using Food Stamps, but I pay my own bills.

And although you didn’t ask, my name is Kimberley.

Sincerely
Me


PS. One of my biggest pet peeves is personal questions from strangers. Strangers who stop you in public, demand answers to the most intrusive, rude questions and actually stand there and expect an answer.

It’s not really the actual questions that bother me, it’s the expectation of a response. The absolute certainty that I will tell this person whom I’ve never met the personal details of my disability, simply because they asked.

You can tell by their tone of voice and their stance that the thought of their actions being rude never even crosses their minds. Sometimes, they’ll even try to entice me into telling by commiserating with me... “I know what it’s like, I had to use one of them things for two days back in ‘79”… uh huh.

But they truly expect an answer and then they’re offended when I don‘t comply. Why? Because they don’t see me as an equal and a person deserving of courtesy, that’s why. In fact, I don’t think they see me as a person at all, but just as “disabled.”

I’m not referring to children who point at my chair and ask what it is, or even adults who come up and ask an informed question like the brand name of my chair, for example. For those, I answer no problem.

I do know a few people with disabilities who don’t mind being asked intimate questions in public and offer an answer. To them it’s about educating people… offering lesson of sorts. I agree it is about teaching a lesson, but what lesson is where we differ.

I think most people already know that seatbelts save lives, and drinking and driving don’t mix, and that diving into the shallow end of a pool is dangerous. They shouldn’t need me to prove to their kids that real life happens and people get injured. To view us as a resource without feelings and without boundaries, to be used to teach their kids a life lesson, is wrong.

It’s my opinion that others’ rudeness should not be rewarded with common courtesy on my part. Invading my privacy for no other reason than to satisfy idle curiosity is not permissible.

Would these same inquiring minds ask an overweight person: “Hey, why are you so fat?” Would they ask a bald guy: “Where’s your hair?” Would they ask a woman they don’t know: “Are those real?” Of course not. But asking personal things along those same lines to someone with a disability is ok? No it’s not! My strategy? Ignore them. No answers, no reward for rudeness. Just a simple life lesson, courtesy of me.

When a stranger asks me a personal question, I respond with “Why do you want to know?” and then with “oh” whatever their answer may be. Then I turn away.

It’s rude to ask personal questions of anyone you don’t know including people with disabilities. To answer them would be to accept their placement of me and other people with disabilities on the lower rungs of the social ladder. I’ll decide where my place is, thank you. Call me rude but my personal business is none of theirs.


Agree or Disagree?

Kimberley B. is our resident opinion piece writer, and never at a loss for something to speak out on. The nature in which persons with a disability respond to personal questions in public places from strangers - well-meaning, ignorant or otherwise – is very much a matter of personal choice. Whether you agree or disagree with Kimberley’s approach, it is just that – her way. Does your opinion on this subject differ? Let us know. We’ll share a selection of alternative means with readers in our next issue. Email us at activeliv@aol.com of fax: (905) 957-6017.


Mind Your Manners

CRAB Attack Survival Guide
By Kimberley B.

I found this bit of well-meaning advice on a disability support list.

Woman: "People stare at me whenever I go anywhere. I try to ignore them, but I'm embarrassed. Any advice?"

Man: "The people who are looking at you are admiring your courage in adversity. That shouldn't embarrass you - it should make you feel proud and happy that people recognize your bravery. I bet if you speak kindly to any one of them, you'll strike up a conversation during which they will acknowledge your courage."

So, tell me.. just what good would come of that proposed conversation? And why would anyone with a disability want to put themselves into that position? More importantly, what do we do about those situations? When a woman with a disability speaks up about the way she feels when treated rudely, a Currently Regarded as Able Bodied (CRAB) person labels her feelings "wrong" and advises her to approach the rude person. That way, the CRAB can use the contact as an opportunity to perpetuate more of the same sad stereotypes we're so tired of battling.

My first instinct on reading it was to try and teach the CRAB some better manners, but then I saw a perfect opportunity to have a little fun.

So, in the interest of the common sanity of the disabled community, may I present the CRAB Attack: The Survival Game. The object of the game is to go about your daily business and use any CRAB attack situation to score as many points as possible.

CRAB Attack: The Survival Game

Rules of Engagement
Players can manipulate and exploit all CRAB attack situations to obtain maximum points.

Courage
The best way to handle this situation is to play it up. "Yes, you know, you're completely right, I AM brave. Thank you for noticing. Will you buy me a hamburger?" The hamburger can be substituted with any product or service you may need. Score 10 points if they respond - with anything. Score 25 points if they buy you lunch.

Bravery
See Courage above. Score 10 points for every "you poor thing" or related comment.

Staring
Immediately upon detecting the offender, begin darting furtively between parked cars, all the while moving closer and closer. Every so often, pretend your wrist watch is a communicator and speak into it. Whatever you do, DO NOT LAUGH - it ruins the entire effect. Score 10 points if you make them run away. Score 25 points if you make it within five feet of the perplexed onlooker and score 50 points if you make contact in any way.

Intrusive Questions
How did you get that wheelchair? - "It started as a wart on my butt" is effective, but "I stole it from some guy at the grocery store but don't say anything because it's a lot of fun" works quite well too. Score one point for every second they don't respond.

What happened to you? - This is where you really get a chance to shine. Make it spectacular and as long and as detailed as you possibly can. Score one point for every second you keep them hanging. Score an additional 25 points if they walk away in mid-sentence.

Pointing
Look quizzically back and move slowly toward them - then pause with recognition, point back at them and scream "MOMMY!! Where have you been?" Score one point for every additional person who stops or turns to look.

Stupid CRAB Comments
Hey, you got a license for that thing? - Respond with "As a matter of fact, I do" and start complaining about beaurocracy and the government and anything else that's bugging you that day. Score one point for every minute that their eyes stay focussed. Score 25 points if they walk away in mid-sentence.

Winning
You've won if you make it home without strangling anyone who thinks our being in public is an opportunity to rudely invade our privacy.

Prizes
Got a CRAB attack survival story? Send it to us at www.activelivingmagazine.com. We’ll publish the funniest, strangest, and most bizarre entries in the next issue of Active Living Magazine.